Star Wars: The Writhe of the Sith

Imagine my surprise when I got a sneak preview of the last episode of the 'Star Wars' second trilogy of the now-completed six episode series (when paired with the original first trilogy, which takes place after the new one). The public has been told that the new film 'The Writhe of the Sith' is in pre-production, but I'm here to testify the movie is in the can now and being allowed to ferment until 2005.

In the mixed tone between melodrama and cutsie-pie Care Bear sensibilities 'Writhe of the Sith' most resembles the colon-enhanced 1997 episode 'Star Wars: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi: Special Edition': 25% inspired, 43% tolerable, 12% aggravating, 20% embarrassing.

Darth Sipid receives his orders

Did it suck?

Well, the answer is yes and no. Those among us who saw Episodes I & II multiple times to get specific about why those movies were so wrong, like ordering another Taco Bell chalupa just to make sure that our first try wasn't abnormally awful, are going to see this movie anyway. It ranks as the fourth-best in the series.

What worked?

Oddly, the romance between Yoda and Padmé. It turns out Padmé has been getting involved with Anakin Skywalker as a way to get to Yoda. In a way this made sense: Yoda is much more endearing, mature, gets along with children, and has not massacred an entire village of sandpeople. The blooming romance, attaining full flower in a floating Starbucks on Coruscant, loosens up Padmé considerably and she starts to talk normally instead of sounding like her dialect coach was Lou Ferigno. Sure, girls usually fall for the bastards, but they stay with the stable guy. In this aspect Lucas shows he knew where this romance arc was going all along: a portrayal of the value of maturity and emotional availability.

This of course provides Anakin with the motivation of taking the final fall into the Dark Side. Yoda, Padmé, Anakin and Obi-Wan all make an appearance on the galaxy-wide broadcast 'The Jehr-quat Springer Show' in which Padmé's change of heart is announced to a packed hooting and trilling audience of various species. Embarrassed by the obvious love between Yoda and Padmé, and that he was romantically bested by a troll, Anakin leaves the studio in a huff to a roar of audience approval. Padmé then quietly announces to a shocked audience that Anakin is the father of her unborn children. Yoda briefly closes his eyes, opens them, then taps his hand on Padmé's thigh and says "Your life do I want to share, provide for them I will" and the crowd goes totally apeshit.

Darth Sipid & Anakin battle volleyballs

The fight scenes were again a big highlight in a 'Star Wars' film, especially the lightsaber battles between the various evil Darths the movie rolls through. Darth Tyrannous, played by Saruman, is killed by a young upstart named Darth Sipid, portrayed with hand-flapping malevolence by Harvey Fierstein during a misunderstanding in a galactic rest area bathroom.

Darth Sipid, under orders from Darth Sidious to kill Anakin (an underhanded plan by Sidious to test Anakin's skills) tracks the young Jedi to a sporting goods store, where Anakin is comparison shopping for saddles that will fit the bloated space cows of Naboo. A spectacular and acrobatic fight ensues as the two set chase among the narrow aisles of the store, slicing and Force Tossing a variety of softball bats, lawn darts, shuttlecocks, and other items while jumping over the store racks, hitting the low-hung flourescent lights each time (this becomes a recurring gag). This scene may not make the final cut, however, since Sipid's hood fell down a few times and revealed Jackie Chan as the stuntman. Anakin prevails, of course, by Force Zipping a bowling ball bag over Sipid's head leaving him open to a zig zag pattern across the midsection like Charlie Brown's shirt.

The final battle between Obi-Wan and Anakin on a volcanic planet was the overall highlight of the film. Ewan McGregor battles with a wild ferocity as if trying to win back his indie-film credibility. Anakin, flush from sucker-stabbing Mace Windu at the Tatooine Big Kahuna Burger, battles Obi-Wan while wielding a total of four lightsabers, one on each limb, and a kind of taser gun in his mouth. Obi-Wan hacks off each limb until Anakin is left only with his right leg, which he continues to use in the fight while sitting on a boulder. Eventually Obi-Wan slices off this last limb and Force Pushes Anakin into a lava floe, and I'll be darned if Anakin doesn't actually skip along the lava's surface a few times before sinking in. Anakin is eventually rescued by Darth Sidious in a hot air balloon.

Shopping for coffee machines

What didn't?

Obi-Wan goes on a shopping trip in a search for clues as to the identity of Darth Sipid and ends up in a shopping mall in Cloud City. While perusing the Mr. Coffee store he is helped by the lead salesperson, Grando Calrissian, and an especially hairy stockboy named Chewbacca, played by a digitally enlarged Yorkshire Terrier. This came across as an unnecessary setup for the following episodes although pop sensation Sisqo has a fine turn portraying Grando as a lisping ladies' man.

Darth Sidious targets a bong

The political intrigues have been increased to mind-numbing length and occupy an uninterrupted 20 minute stretch early in the film. Darth Sidious arrives in the Senate hall with his dim-witted clone Senator Palpatine and after shooting purple lightning from his fingertips (first at nothing at all, then hitting targets thrown up into the air by impressed senators) the two declare the Senate closed and tell everyone to go home. The remaining 17 minutes of this segment show Senator Jar Jar Binks blubbering in his Carribean-patois English and sorrowfully telling the entire history of the Galactic Senate straight to the camera as he packs his bags.

Senator Organa must pack, but can keep his dickey

Padmé squirts out her twins, Luke and Leia, contracts leukemia, and dies all within five minutes. Yoda sets up trust funds for his two almost-adopted children but eventually decides he's too old to be a single parent and Jedi Master in exile, then gives the kids over to his much younger friends Senator Bail Organa and Obi-Wan Kenobi. In a rock-paper-scissors contest Kenobi gets the boy and Organa gets the girl. Senator Organa hides Leia by raising her as a highly visible member of galactic political life. Kenobi, tired of politics and of fighting the good fight, decides he just wants to live in the desert and get stoned all the time. He hides the boy in the last place Anakin will think to look: his stepbrother Owen's house where Anakin buried his own mother in the backyard.

Final words

Like an uncomfortable bowel movement, the pain is now over with, but with a little bit of pleasure mixed in, and an odd feeling of pride at the spectacle.

[Back to Movie Reviews]

Who are You? How'd you get here? E-Mail Me