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Movie Reviews
Star Wars
Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Episode 2: Attack of the Clones
Episode 3: The Writhe of the Sith (July '03 satirical review of pretend movie)
Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith
Episode 4: A New Hope (aka "Star Wars")
Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back
Episode 6: Return of the Jedi
WARNING! These reviews are much longer than the others and feature many references to latent and overt emotional injuries on my part.
Personal Anecdote: As a boy after seeing "The Empire Strikes Back" I used to practice in front of a mirror the Jedi move of closing the eyes and holding a quavering arm outward while intensely concentrating.
Bonus Update!: After posting this link in a Macintosh Discussion Group the fake review of Episode III got passed around by several people and increased traffic to the site by 100x. Most have been amused, but a few seemed VERY skeptical that I'd actually seen the movie two years ahead of time: no fooling some people. One person remarked: "Somewhat funny, but I can't help but feel this is yet another sad attempt to bash the film before its even out. How original..." A criticism that had me stroking my chin for a few seconds. Then I looked at his website where he sells hand-made lightsabers, jedi garb, and Star Wars fan films starring teenage friends. Dude, sorry I offended your livelihood.
The Ring
Personal Anecdote: Could be a man thing, but my attitude toward horror movies is to cross my arms and think to the movie: "Prove that you don't suck and can show me something I'll think about at least two days later". This movie did not meet those expectations, but maybe watching 'The Ring' while conversing with my spouse in our living room as we passed our infant back and forth with all the lights on and our two cats and two dogs scampering about reduced the movie's effect.
Purple Rain
Personal Anecdote: I have seen this movie over 55 times. Mostly this is because of a series of boring summers I was obliged to spend in Boise where I didn't have any friends and had no car to drive. This movie also has strong high school make-out memories for me (when I was back home from Boise). I don't think I saw this more than three times in the '90s, though: when the notion rises I'll start to watch it and all the dialog and moments flash flood back and the urge gets washed away. The amount of time I've spent (and continue to spend) contemplating Prince is truly stupefying.
The Passion of the Christ
Personal Anecdote: As a devout humanist who believes most of the big-scale human miseries of the world have been caused by religion and belief in entitlement to privileges extending a fictional afterlife, I worried this film would agitate me into blurting something out that would get me attacked in the theater. Fortunately, the film was pretty boring and my mouth was filled with more popcorn than bile.
The Matrix
Personal Anecdote: This is one of 17 different movies I saw while on company time over a three year period when I worked as a scum-sucking low-level manager at a Fortune 50 corporation.
The Matrix: Reloaded
Personal Anecdote: Nerd Alert! Before watching the movie I had already read the plot spoilers, watched the four downloadable movies from 'Animatrix', and knew to stay after the credits to see the preview for the next 'Matrix' movie.
The Matrix: Revolutions
Personal Anecdote: I've almost purchased the Matrix videogame that supposedly ties into the movie series and clarifies some points, especially after "Reloaded" came out. This movie assures that I won't buy the game. Okay, the game got some bad reviews in gaming magazines, too.
Lawrence of Arabia
Personal Anecdote: This is the only high quality movie I've seen over 20 times. Movies that exceed that count are "Star Wars", "Empire Strikes Back", "Return of the Jedi" (I'm guessing 25 times for each) and the grand daddy of them all: "Purple Rain" (over 55 times at last count, for an explanation read here).
Jurassic Park III
Personal Anecdote: Although I knew Jeff Goldblum was not in this sequel, my own aura is that of a know-it-all extrovert who stammers in hyper-articulation just like his characters, so the absence was not missed.
Jackass: The Movie
Personal Anecdote: I have a distant relative who in his mid-30s got paralyzed from the waist down during a backyard wrestling stunt. Also, this movie's gag involving a man pooping in a hardware store display toilet was filmed in my city.
Hellboy
Personal Anecdote: Regal Cinemas, the dominant theater chain in my city, has been playing a pre-show segment called 'The Twenty' which is a series of media advertisements, presumably 20 minutes before show time, to keep people's minds occupied. During "The Twenty" you can hear the phrase "after the break", which announces a commercial break among the media advertisements. At the posted show time 15 minutes of previews and ads rolled before the movie started. That means 20 minutes of commercials, interrupted by commercial breaks, before the movie commercials. "The Twenty" has contained an touching tribute to the final season of 'Friends'. I've only watched one episode of 'Friends', though I'm far from a snob about television: it's just my friends are much funnier than the fake ones on t.v. Throught cultural osmosis, I feel like I know what's happening with all the characters, even without watching the show. Anyway, this last-season tribute to 'Friends' has been playing on 'The Twenty' since about 1999. Does anyone know when they'll actually stop making new episodes, or is this like a "final concert" by The Who?
In Progress:
2001: A Space Odyssey*
2010: The Year We Make Contact*
A.I.: Artificial Intelligence*
The Winner Takes it All: The Abba Story
All About Eve
An American in Paris
Antz
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension
Barry Lyndon
The Beatles Anthology
Beauty and the Beast
Big Trouble in Little China
The Birds
Blue Velvet
Brazil
A Bug’s Life
Citizen Kane
A Clockwork Orange
Conan the Barbarian
Contact
Dangerous Liasions
Diamonds are Forever
Dr Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
An Evening with the Dixie Chicks
Excalibur
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Fleetwod Mac: The Dance
Full Metal Jacket
Futurama: The Complete First Season
Gladiator
The Godfather: Part I, II, and III
Goldfinger
Gone with the Wind
Hamlet - BBC Production
A Hard Day’s Night
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Independence Day
Jurassic Park
Ladies & Gentlemen: the Best of George Michael
The Last Temptation of Christ
Led Zeppelin: DVD
Lolita (directed by Stanley Kubrick)
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
The Man with Two Brains
North by Northwest
The Patriot
Pinocchio (starring Martin Landau and Johnathan Taylor-Thomas)
Repo Man
Secret World Live (Peter Gabriel)
Seven
Shrek
Shakespeare in Love
The Shining
Singin’ in the Rain
The Silence of the Lambs
Sleepy Hollow
Spartacus
This is Spinal Tap
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
Star Trek: First Contact
Star Wars: A New Hope
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
Starship Troopers
Stop Making Sense: Talking Heads
The Ten Commandments
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
John Carpenter’s The Thing
Three Kings
Touch of Evil
Toy Story
Toy Story 2
Twin Peaks: The First Season Special Edition
Twister
U2: The Best of 1990-2000
West Side Story
X-Men
X-Men 2: X-Men United
Yellow Submarine
You Only Live Twice
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