Entertainment

Movie Reviews

Here's a growing list of movie reviews I'm hammering out. For the most part I'll try to keep to 400 words or less, except if I get really, really angry. The "Star Wars" reviews are a little intense, though, so only delve into them if you want a good scare. There's even a review of 'Star Wars: Episode III', which hadn't even been created yet (written July 2003). Truly visionary critics cannot feel bound to review only things that exist. Yeah, yeah. I'll write a true review of the real one, too, because I'm a Star Wars slave despite exposure to fine arts and deep readings into high literature that really should have taught me better.

Siegfried and Roy

Here's an involved multimedia essay I put together about Siegfried and Roy. See if you can't be enticed into obsession over their antics. They are fabulous embodiments of the garish American Dream, and have psychologically complicated interactions with their albino tigers, so, what's not to like?

Geisha Superstars in television bath house

A-List U.S. celebrities rarely do commercials in the West because of their artistic integrity (cough cough). These same celebrities are often shill for Japanese products since they can get huge salaries for short work and be assured the commercials will not air in the U.S. Below is a sampling from a site dedicated to this phenomenon. If these amuse you check the site out it has storyboards for the ads and details the legal attacks by Hollywood attorneys.

	(Left) Antonio Banderas excited to drive a Subaru Forester (616KB). Want to see an elaborate, self-indulgent website by an actress you don't really think about anymore? Why, then go visit Melanie Griffith online! Warning: it includes some narration by Melanie as you click around. Also features staged photos with husband Antonio.
(Right) Arnold Schwarzenegger for Direct TV. This clip was pulled from the original site when Arnold applied legal pressure (747KB). Fortunately for you, no one ever visits this site, so you're free to enjoy the Governor of California really seem silly. As a side note, there is really no end to the wealth of pleasing "The Governator" jokes so if you're pretending to be tired of them, loosen up!
	(Left) Beavis & Butthead sell breath mints, of course (788KB). Does this cause the Japanese to recall when General MacArthur informed them their Emperor was not a god? Wouldn't Cornhoolio make a good emperor?
(Right) Christian Slater seduces courtesy of Toyota (1MB). Driving my Geo Prizm makes me feel pretty suave, too.
	(Left) An inflated, sweaty Demi Moore squirts a tube of something into her mouth to become like a cat (1.1MB). It looks like pre-made cookie dough which seems like an odd food to inspire exercise.
(Right) Keanu computes, frightened by a cat-woman, drinks (1MB). This ad seems to presage 'The Matrix' movies in many ways, but is less understandable. Many people think he's an idiot, but he's given millions of his 'Matrix' dollars to the staff who worked on the movie, stating he already has enough money for many lifetimes. So there. Makes George Clooney look like an asshole, don't it?
	(Left) Leonardo DiCaprio foils robbery with grocery cart, winks, charges on credit (1.4MB). Should he have played it as his gregarious retarded character in 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape?'. (Right) Leo yells at car, menaces boy (662KB). Should he have played it as his idiot-savant character in 'Titanic'?
	(Left) Meg Ryan acts, cleans face (1.4MB). Apparently the product will help men get interested, but won't keep them around. Unless Russell Crowe has a mercurial mind that doesn't lend itself to life-long devotion, in which case I'm being unfair. Reminds me of a favorite bumper sticker: "No matter how hot she looks, somewhere there's a guy sick of her shit."
(Right) Sean Connery's reflection meets with Sean's approval (702KB). I do a very good Sean Connery impression, except for the charming stud part, of course. For a fee I'm willing to leave outgoing phone messages in his voice for you. Send me an e-mail message if interested. Okay, I'll just do it for the hell of it.

A list of potential band/movie/tv show names

A good friend had a penchant for involving himself in bands with bad names (e.g. "Mindzend" and "Moonfyre"). This prompted a few of us to propose band names to him via e-mail. Unfortunately the first two years of this pastime are now lost since we have all left the organization where we did this. Here's what we've culled together since then. Please help yourself if you're an aspiring musician or screenwriter.

A Poem for Janeane Garofalo*

Hail Janeane, full of grace
The Ben Stiller Show’s beatific face
Round and pinchable, reluctant and kind
While slouching onscreen she begs to be mine
I don’t care if your body’s lumpy
I don’t care if you're feelin’ grumpy
What in this world annoys you?
What makes you so damn jumpy?
Rapunzel of rapture, maid of dream, won’t you throw me down a thread?
Double loathing in the morning as you kick me out of bed.

* Poem composed before her tiresome, humorless radio show on Air America.

Spock lives, Kirk dies!

Below are samples of various solo recordings made by William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy. I have two albums of Shatner's. The most notorious, "The Transformed Man" features pairings of dramatic readings and performances of popular songs. What still galls and delights today is their great sincerity and conviction that this reading, this vision, is right and people NEED it! The second album is a performance he put on at Hofstra around 1978 during which he did dramatic readings and answered questions about Star Trek. Nowadays Shatner makes a living making fun of this stuff during this pre-post-irony era. Here are some samples from "The Transformed Man":

Wailing in despair (174KB)
Hamlet (204KB)
Once more unto the breach Finale from 'Henry V' (280KB)
The mo'fo' of them all, the Cyrano/Mr. Tambourine Man combo (MP3, 4.7MB)

I've only got one Leonard Nimoy album, released on the Sears record label. The best track is "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins", for which there is a video clip (4.1 MB). To my knowledge Nimoy has not made money mocking this work. He has integrity. Most of these songs are written from the perspective of Mr. Spock, but Nimoy's other albums, though, don't even have that guile to protect them.

I've also got a Nichelle Nichols album, but it's not as amusing.

You Must Be Grumpy!

Here's an Anacin commercial from 1964 that is so wildly aggressive it fufills and warms where you knew no need before!

Attention Prurient Fame-Watchers!

Ever want to read what Michael Jackson allegedly did to that boy who sued him (then his family settled)? Here's the boy's sworn statement, guaranteed to provide some good ideas for pickup lines.

Zoinks! Casey curses!

If you want to feel Casey Kasem's pain, listen to this (.wav 736K). It's an outtake from a taping of one of his countdown shows. It's got comedy, and a bit with a dog.